I’m still waiting for it to get easier.

What happened?

I wonder where I am meant to be in life, where I’m meant to go. What I’m meant to be like.

Right about now I would be by your side, greeted with an Eskimo kiss and a smile, as well as a compliment more sincere than anything I’ve heard. You would give me a big hug that made me feel safe for that minute. You would talk to me, maybe about nothing since your illness, but I would still listen. Because anything you say still reached me, I still wanted to hear you. Even if it hurt to know you couldn’t make sense of a lot anymore. Even being sick you never stopped caring about everyone else, you still worried about everyone being safe, and happy, and healthy. Right about now, you would make me feel better. You would tell me how you would always be here for me, that if I ever needed anything I could count on you. Right about now, I’m still crying because you can’t do any of that anymore. The pain hasn’t been any easier, no day goes by where I don’t weep, talk to you, or wonder how you are. I go to your grave even though it scares me to think your body is just laying there. I’m waiting for you to come visit me again, you haven’t since the wake, and I feel like I’m falling deeper as time goes by.

One time Ron and I were out doing things then decided to get food since I hadn’t ate in HOURS. As we were on our way I started feeling very sick because I was so hungry.. Ron felt terrible.. so we finally got to the pick up side of the restaurant and he goes in to get the food… While I’m sitting in the car I see him come out empty handed, and I got so confused… He came over to my side of the car and was asking me how I was feeling.. I said I’m fine don’t worry, just hurts that’s all… And then he put his hand out and in his fist he had a bag of skittles. He said he didn’t want me feeling sick so this should hold me over until we got back to his house. It was so sweet to me that he was worried… Maybe to some its just a bag of skittles, but he thought of me and went out of his way… I ALWAYS appreciate the little things

You ever look at yourself in the mirror, and just want to punch it?